I let it get the best of me

I let my disorders get the best of me. And I don't think anyone can understand that unless they've experienced it themselves. Anxiety and depression and social phobia have determined my life. They have prevented me from making good choices. They have prevented me from having a future.

What the fuck do I do now?

For a minute there, I lost myself

I was watching the local channel tonight in insane boredom, and a school board meeting was on. They were giving awards to the national merit scholars. It made me so sad.

First of all, let me just say one of the semi-finalists was playing beer pong in my dining room last night, so that just says a lot to me about the whole thing. Role of the school has changed how I view school incredibly. School shouldn't be about taking tests. These high schoolers were standing there, feeling as though they have the world at their fingertips. They are the elite few. They think that society has a special place for them. The world will come crashing down in college when they find out this is a lie. They have to make their way and fight just like everyone else in college. College classes aren't about getting an A on some worthless multiple choice test. 

I have just got to learn to let it all go. School was my life for so long and shaped so much about me. And I just can't move on. I'm stuck as that child who is so depressed to learn that she doesn't have the promise that teachers said she had. The girl who met people that were smarter than her and realized that her whole life to that point was a lie. The girl who once aspired to go to Harvard only to learn it would never happen. 

Let it go.

If this post is disjointed, that's because it's 3am.

I think it's so funny that you only want what you can't have. I haven't wanted to drink the whole time I've been back. Tonight I'm sick, so I can't go out. And I actually want to now. This sucks!

I feel like a mouse in a wheel. There's no stopping, and there's no point to any of it. I feel so trapped. I have no option other than to just keep going at a breakneck speed until I collapse. I'm just so unhappy.

Miserable but not stunning

I've been sitting around my house in my pajamas for a week. I can't wait to go back to school. Except I've done absolutely zero school work, and I have a ton to do. 

I want to twitter but I have no friends who do. This makes me quite sad.

My cat won't stop sitting on my laptop, even though she knows she's not allowed on it. 

I am fully addicted to Animal Crossing Wild World. I literally play it all day. I have more of a life in that game than in the real world.

I kill the lights

Damn it, I'm failing at blogging. I always have the best intentions.

But it's a new year! My new years eve was successful for once, miracle. However, I drove the 2 hours to get home hungover, the real miracle is that I made it. 

I feel like...like I have nothing to say. It's still weird for me to not have problems. I suppose I'll have to come up with new things to blog about.

I desperately need to do school work. Tomorrow?

End of the semester

It's been a long time since I've blogged. Hard to get back into what was once a habit. Plus, I've been busy.

I took a few minutes to reflect on the semester on the walk home from my last final. It was a quick semester with no major trauma. I turned 21. I did a lot of work. That was sort of it. I blew off too much work though. I need to start focusing more. But it is what it is. I've been learning to not focus on things I can't change anymore. So I'm working on next semester. My goals are the same as they were for last semester.

1. Be more organized

2. Not procrastinate

3. Keep my room clean

I figure, if I keep setting the same goals, one day I'll achieve them.