In the wake of Saturday.

Sometimes on Saturday night, you sit in your room and drink half of a bottle of wine and eat apples and peanut butter while you watch Food Network Challenge and then fall asleep.

I let it get the best of me

I let my disorders get the best of me. And I don't think anyone can understand that unless they've experienced it themselves. Anxiety and depression and social phobia have determined my life. They have prevented me from making good choices. They have prevented me from having a future.

What the fuck do I do now?

For a minute there, I lost myself

I was watching the local channel tonight in insane boredom, and a school board meeting was on. They were giving awards to the national merit scholars. It made me so sad.

First of all, let me just say one of the semi-finalists was playing beer pong in my dining room last night, so that just says a lot to me about the whole thing. Role of the school has changed how I view school incredibly. School shouldn't be about taking tests. These high schoolers were standing there, feeling as though they have the world at their fingertips. They are the elite few. They think that society has a special place for them. The world will come crashing down in college when they find out this is a lie. They have to make their way and fight just like everyone else in college. College classes aren't about getting an A on some worthless multiple choice test. 

I have just got to learn to let it all go. School was my life for so long and shaped so much about me. And I just can't move on. I'm stuck as that child who is so depressed to learn that she doesn't have the promise that teachers said she had. The girl who met people that were smarter than her and realized that her whole life to that point was a lie. The girl who once aspired to go to Harvard only to learn it would never happen. 

Let it go.

If this post is disjointed, that's because it's 3am.

I kill the lights

Damn it, I'm failing at blogging. I always have the best intentions.

But it's a new year! My new years eve was successful for once, miracle. However, I drove the 2 hours to get home hungover, the real miracle is that I made it. 

I feel like...like I have nothing to say. It's still weird for me to not have problems. I suppose I'll have to come up with new things to blog about.

I desperately need to do school work. Tomorrow?

You set my soul alight

I've neglected this. I've been lazy with it like I am with everything in my life. I wish I had some sort of drive to work hard. I had 3 papers to write and a book to read over break, and I barely wrote a fourth of a paper and didn't touch the book. 

Let's discuss the fact that I love being stalked.

I saw Twilight over break. Hated it the first time, loved it the second. It's pretty fabulous. I also saw High School Musical 3 twice, for a grand total of 4 times.

Yes I am 21, thanks for asking.

I'm also really into the Twilight soundtrack, it's a weird mix, but it's good.

Monday will either be fabulous or horrible. Getting a bunch of stuff back in classes. On a positive note, it looks like an A in human sex is totally possible, I have like, a 93 now. I was hovering at a 90.5 for awhile.